Insomnia

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I really look like an insomniac. I have bags under my eyes, and the whites of my eyes are more red than white.

I don't remember the last time I ever slept deeply. It seems like whenever I sleep, I can still hear the fan in my room, still feel the sheets on my bed. I have dreams where I'm half awake and half asleep. I'm afraid this is going to go on for a very long time.

-Chris

Summer So Far

Well it's been about two weeks. No job yet, but I feel like I've made a good amount of progress on horn. I had a lesson today, and Tyler said I sounded good for just two weeks. In fact, not having a job has allowed me to get in a whole lot of practice time. Money would be nice, though...

I've yet to start any arranging/composing. To be honest, it slipped my mind until just today. I've been listening to Explosions in the Sky a whole lot, recently. I'm even thinking about arranging something for trombones. I'm just not very sure how it would work.

I really miss my friends from Birmingham. I feel like I was just starting some great new friendships, but I had to leave too soon. It takes a lot for me to hang out with people. For some reason it just makes me nervous. I'll have to work and pray on this problem.

My birthday's tomorrow. Should be fun. Celebrating with friends and family. (Separately, mind you.)

-Chris

Summer

It's almost here.

In a few hours, I'll be playing at UAB's graduation, then I'll check out of my dorm, and then, finally, head home. It feels like this is the first real break I've gotten since the beginning of my sophomore year.

Lot's of things hopefully going on this summer. I'm most excited that I'm learning to play horn. I'm borrowing some beginning books, and taking some lessons from Trey's brother, Tyler. Hopefully I can play horn in symphony band starting this fall.

I'm also going to try to find a job. No more landscaping though. I believe I've had enough of that. I'll see if I can get a job at Gamestop, but I'm pretty doubtful about it. If it doesn't work out, I'll find something.

Finally, I'm going to try to get starting on some arranging, or even some original composing. I think I'm far enough along that I can at least get some ideas on paper. Whether I produce anything "good" or not, it'll still be progress. Something is better than nothing.

Here I come, Summer.

And don't wait up, Fall. I'll be there soon.

-Chris

P-A-R-T-Why? Good question.

The idea of college seems to differ to some people. I've heard that it's the best time of your life, and I've heard that it's the worst time of your life. Does it mean that there are different experiences, or different outlooks? Well . . . I think it's both.

I certainly know my fair share of people that party it up. Some of them drink. Some of them don't. Either way, they really seem to enjoy themselves. However, me being the anti-social person that I am, I try to stay away from parties. I hate it when people say, "Oh, not everyone is going to be drinking. You should come anyway!" It doesn't matter if not everyone is drinking. If there's alcohol, I don't want to be around.

Am I missing something? Because I feel like I can have a much better time with a few close friends without any alcohol whatsoever. However, it's not that simple anymore. I'm 20, but a lot of people my age are turning 21. I seem to be the only one who isn't planning on drinking. I'm not sure what I'm going do. Should I be more open-minded? I don't have a problem with people drinking; I just don't feel comfortable in that sort of environment. I guess we'll see how things go.

-Chris

It's Back

Tonight, I got back something I had lost without even knowing it.

I remember in high school, I would finish a song and have a strange feeling. It was a combination of emptiness and satisfaction. It was the feeling I got whenever I poured emotion into the horn. It used to be something I felt so often, but I had somehow become separated from it.

Tonight, we had a concert for Wind Symphony and Symphony Band. When we were getting ready to play "Song for Lyndsey," something changed. Whatever it was, I put more emotion into my playing than I have in a long, long time. The feeling was amazing, and contagious. I kept hearing people say that "Song for Lyndsey" was more powerful than they had ever played it before. I missed this feeling. I hope I don't ever lose it again.

-Chris

Hop on the bandwagon.

Why not?

Let's make a list.

Here is a list of things I want to accomplish in my life; from short term to long term. I've decided to do this because I haven't always been the best at setting goals for myself. I'm hoping this will help me look towards the right places in the years to come.

1. Compose a song.

At this point, I have several songs in my head, but I don't know enough about music to put them on paper. It's quite frustrating.

2. Conduct/work with a band.

I've always envied and respected people who are willing to get up in front complete strangers, and try to communicate ideas that most people can't even express in words.

3. Have my own house.

When I dream about my life in five or ten years, I always see myself in a place of my own.

4. Bring someone to Christ.

5. Have a song published.

6. Get married.

7. Have kids.

8. Finish this list...

Happiness

My recent bouts with depression has made really think about happiness. What is it about happiness that makes it seem so unattainable. Out of curiosity, I looked up several definitions of happiness. More than any other word, I saw pleasure.

I propose that happiness about something more than pleasure. If happiness is based so much on pleasure, no wonder so many people have trouble finding happiness. I think happiness is about being content. However, that doesn't mean that you're only happy if you have the biggest houses, the fastest cars, and the largest paycheck. I think happiness is about being content with what you have.

God told us that He'd give us everything we need. Maybe we need to realign what we want with what we need.

-Chris

Doing better & More thoughts

When I went to the hospital, I was given two prescriptions. One painkiller and one anti-inflammatory. I'm almost positive that I'll never take the painkiller, but the anti-inflammatory has done absolute wonders. Unless I move my back a certain way, I can't tell I ever hurt my back at all. Today, I realized just how lucky I am that I wasn't seriously hurt. Most people who tear a muscle have to receive surgery. In fact, my brother almost had to have surgery when he nearly tore his ACL. It's amazing that it's only four days later, and I feel almost completely healed.

On to some random thoughts . . .

One of the things that absolutely blows my mind, is science. For instance, we've discovered the destructive and constructive capabilities of the atom. It can either demolish, or power, an entire city. Let's also think about modern medicine. Not only are there tremendous amounts of medicine for illnesses, but a single pill seems to target your exact symptom. The human nervous system is incredibly complex, and its design is absolutely incredible. The very idea of the universe is mind-blowing.

I've met several people who say the science is the very reason they don't believe in a higher being. I say, science is something that strengthens my faith. I look at these complexities that we may never unravel, and I see every reason to believe in God. No way has fate and chance taken the Earth where it is today. I also know a lot of Christians that see science as heretical. I say, God made science. Embrace it. I daresay, a knowledge of science brings you ever closer to God.

“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.”
-Albert Einstein

-Chris

Stay Strong

As soon as I commit to staying joyful, God throws some curve balls.

Like I said in my last post, I hurt my back Thursday. Today I went to the hospital, and it turns out that I tore a muscle. Luckily, it wasn't bad enough to require surgery. However, being in an immense about of physical pain can threaten to dampen your mood. I'm holding on, however. I know that God and I can do this.

Hope is something else I struggle with. For the longest time, I gave up on dreams because I didn't believe they would ever come true. Now, I'm putting my faith in God. If my dreams come true, I praise Him. If they don't, I praise Him.

LUKE 1:37

For nothing is impossible with God.

-Chris

Lent & My Aching Back

So Lent has officially started. I've never really participated in Lent before. Actually, to be honest, I had never even heard about Lent until two years ago. So I spent a long time trying to figure out what I was going to give up. I was planning on giving up caffeine, until I realized that the video game marathon was during Lent. (Caffeine is going to have to be my best friend during those few days.) For awhile, I was thinking about just giving up on Lent and doing something next year, but then I got an idea. I don't necessarily have to give up something physical for Lent. So this year, I'm giving up depression. I'm going to use Lent to jump-start my faith and my life.

In other news, I really messed up my back today.

I was in the room earlier when Josh and I started pushing each other back and forth, like we often do. Then all of the sudden there was an excruciating pain in my back. When I tried to stretch out my back, it just got worse. It's been hurting since then, and it even kept me from going to the small group meeting tonight. If it isn't much better by tomorrow, I think I'll tell my parents and go to the hospital. (I can't wait for my dad to freak out . . .)

-Chris

How deep does the rabbit hole go?

The harder I slip, the harder it is to get up.

Depression is a vicious circle. One negative thought leads to a cacophony of negative thoughts, imagined scenarios, and self-pity. A great day can quickly turn into a horrible night because of one subconscious reminder of unpleasant circumstances. A new day can bring a new sense of hope, but a night can bring a seemingly endless feeling of hopelessness and despair.

One problem I personally have with depression is that I don't want others to pity me, so I keep it to myself. I try to stay positive and keep hope, but I can't even focus my thoughts. My mind races; focusing on everything and nothing at the same time. I'll find myself thinking about multiple things at the same time, if that's something that's comprehensible. I feel every emotion at once, yet I feel blank and apathetic. It's easy to think of a positive memory in a negative light; bringing an unpleasant, foreign mix of feelings.

I once heard that when you're flat on your back, you have nowhere to look but up. However, I feel like I'm groping in the dark. I want God's help, but I don't feel His presence. I can't do this much longer. Hope is in short supply.

-Chris

To be honest . . .

I'm quite aware that I'm not perfect. I have my problems, and I think a lot of them stem from fear.

To be honest, I don't like the idea of having no control over my life. I know that God knows how to handle my life much better than I ever could, but I'm still afraid.

To be honest, I'm afraid of failure. I struggle with depression constantly. As a result, I'm very sensitive to mistakes. I feel like I let people down a lot, and I especially feel like I let down God a lot.

To be honest, I'm afraid of showing emotion. Starting in middle school, my anger was out of control. I would snap at people with little provocation. Once I gained control of my anger, I felt like I'd lost the ability to show my emotions. I can't tell you how many times I've been having a great day when someone asks me what's wrong. I've found that during emotional peaks and valleys, I'm blank. 90% of the time, I'm consciously smiling. By that, I mean I have to actually think about smiling. There are very few people who can make me smile with shame or fear.

"Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation."
-Isaiah 12:2

-Chris

WE the people

Do you know what's amazing about our generation?

We could make, or break, this country, and I dare say, even the world. We're the future political and spiritual leaders of this country. We're the ones who are going to decide where it's going. Just think about that for a minute. We are the future of this world. In ten years, this could be a completely different place. We could be in the middle of a grassroots revival, or in the incarnate of hell itself.

So when it's time to step up to the plate, will we be ready?

-Chris

Things are looking up

I've been stuck on trombone for probably about a year now. I feel like I've hardly made any progress in such a long span of time. However, I'm starting to notice some things. Technique that never made sense to me has all the sudden clicked. I'm able to make cleaner slurs, and my articulation is getting better. I think all of this has stemmed from my change in attitude. I used to be fairly passive when it came to how I sounded. I had the "good enough" attitude. Now that I've gotten picky, I seem to be making progress. It's a refreshing change of pace.

I do think there is such a thing as being too picky. Constantly getting frustrated because you aren't producing the sound you want isn't where you want to be. Progress is something you work towards, not something that you achieve.

-Chris

Conflicts of Interest

How did Conservatism and Christianity become so intertwined? When you really get down to core beliefs, there are some shocking contradictions.

While there are a lot of things that fit together (pro-life, against gay marriage) there seem to be a few things that just never added up to me. How can we be so big on pro-life, and turn around and support the death penalty. I've heard some people say, "Well, they're criminals. They don't deserve to live." What happened to a little forgiveness? We wouldn't be Christians without the grace of forgiveness. While these people are still criminals, why do we insist on death?

Speaking of death, why do we love war?

You have heard that it was said, "Love your neighbor and hate your enemy."
But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:43-44).

It seems like conservatives are always jumping at the chance of bloodshed. From what I've seen from our prison camps, there is no way we are loving our enemy.

Just something to think about. Sorry for getting so political.

-Chris

So far to go

Listening to professional trombone players should be inspiring, but it's almost intimidating. I hear these marvelous sounds that these people can produce, and then I shudder when I go to practice. When you're practicing, it's absolutely essential to hear the kind of sound you want to produce. Without it, it's hard to make and progress on your own. However, some days I cringe when I hear myself play. I hear every bad articulation, cracked note, and thin sound. I feel like I've got so far to go. It's not like I want to pursue a career specifically playing trombone. I just want to sound good.

That brings up another subject.

Some people in band have taken to calling me the "golden child." Apparently, people think I can do no wrong, and that Ms Samuels has picked me as her favorite. This is incredibly offensive to me. It's like taking all of my accomplishments and saying that it was all because of luck or kissing up. I've worked hard to get where I am, and it feels like people are just spitting on what I've done.

-Chris

What have we done?

How much good has the internet done for the world? Surely, we've revolutionized our communication around the world, but to what extent?

I can't tell you the amount of times I've heard someone half my age saying things that would make a sailor blush. Where did this come from? When I was young, this may have been a small problem, but the internet's influence seems to have magnified tenfold.

More and more people are relying on internet for common everyday uses. It's hard to even find a phone that doesn't offer an internet browser, or at least email. While there's no problem with using the internet responsibly, I can't help but notice what's happening. It's hard to find a youtube video without someone commenting about how the people in the video are "gay" or "faggots." Most comments are much more vulgar than that. It's also hard to post any respectful comment without being verbally assaulted by others. What does this show young people?

What do you think happens when they see how certain beliefs lead to persecution? They become close-minded. What do you think happens when they see blatant disregard for other people's feelings and beliefs? They become disrespectful. I've experienced it first-hand on numerous occasions. While I'm playing xbox live, I constantly hear young boys calling people ever expletive they know. I've also heard kids who were eleven years old objectifying women. It's despicable.

All this being said, I think there's also a problem with passive parenting. Probably about 90% of the time I'm hearing these atrocious children, they're on games that are only for 17 years and older. This means that their parents had to have bought them the game. Not only are these games bought for them, but it appears that their access to internet is completely unhindered. I've heard kids cursing and yelling at the top of their lungs for hours at a time.

So what I'm wondering is: where can we go from here? Surely there's something that needs to be done.

Am I the only one wondering?

-Chris

Oh hai

You might be wondering where the title came from.

1. It's catchy.

2. It's accurate.

3. It's 2:30 in the morning.

This blog is about my random life, and everything involved in it. Friends, God, trombone, video games. You name it.

So what's going on, currently? Well I had a nice relaxing day of watching youtube videos. I actually watched a lot of videos on break dancing. Those guys are crazy! Whirling around with their heads inches from the ground, and that's the easy stuff! I've also read a good bit of trombone blogs today. I'm specifically reading Douglas Yeo, bass trombone player for the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and Jay Friedman, principle player for the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. From what I've read so far, the articles seem to be different in fairly drastic ways.

Jay Friedman's site seems to focus a lot on air and resonance. Douglas Yeo's, however, is actually very open about his relationship with God through music. He talks about music has become a spiritual experience to him, and how every piece he plays is glorifying the One who ultimately created it. What an amazing perspective. I'm going to try to keep that in mind.

While we're on the subject of God and music . . .

In just the semester, I've become exponentially more fascinated by music. The more I learn about the never-ending complexities of music, the more I'm awestruck. It honestly baffles me how certain combinations of frequencies can produce sounds that could be anything from pleasing to horrifying. Changing one note in a chord can have a large impact on the quality, and I personally believe the quality of a chord changes what it conveys. I once heard my father say that minor chords always sounded like they were asking a question. My father knows little to nothing about music, yet three notes were all it took to convey an idea to him.

I once heard someone say that music is the shorthand for emotion. I believe there's a lot of truth in that statement, and I would even take that a bit farther. I'd say that music is better at conveying emotions and thoughts than words ever could. Thinking about this brings one particular event to mind.

I went to the see the Alabama Symphony Orchestra perform the Dvorak Symphony No. 9, or "New World" Symphony. This was the one of first full orchestral works that I'd ever paid attention to. When I heard that the ASO was playing it, I decided I'd eat ramen noodles for a week instead of buying groceries. The right decision, I dare say. As the final movement of the symphony began, an excitement I couldn't foresee came upon me. I knew what was coming, and I could hardly wait. As the song reached it's climax, I smiled a genuine, unabashed smile, and found myself filled with awe. My eyes filled with tears as I heard one man's idea brought to life before my very eyes - err . . . ears, I guess. It took nothing more than ink on a page to make my hair stand up on end.

-Chris