Insomnia

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I really look like an insomniac. I have bags under my eyes, and the whites of my eyes are more red than white.

I don't remember the last time I ever slept deeply. It seems like whenever I sleep, I can still hear the fan in my room, still feel the sheets on my bed. I have dreams where I'm half awake and half asleep. I'm afraid this is going to go on for a very long time.

-Chris

Summer So Far

Well it's been about two weeks. No job yet, but I feel like I've made a good amount of progress on horn. I had a lesson today, and Tyler said I sounded good for just two weeks. In fact, not having a job has allowed me to get in a whole lot of practice time. Money would be nice, though...

I've yet to start any arranging/composing. To be honest, it slipped my mind until just today. I've been listening to Explosions in the Sky a whole lot, recently. I'm even thinking about arranging something for trombones. I'm just not very sure how it would work.

I really miss my friends from Birmingham. I feel like I was just starting some great new friendships, but I had to leave too soon. It takes a lot for me to hang out with people. For some reason it just makes me nervous. I'll have to work and pray on this problem.

My birthday's tomorrow. Should be fun. Celebrating with friends and family. (Separately, mind you.)

-Chris

Summer

It's almost here.

In a few hours, I'll be playing at UAB's graduation, then I'll check out of my dorm, and then, finally, head home. It feels like this is the first real break I've gotten since the beginning of my sophomore year.

Lot's of things hopefully going on this summer. I'm most excited that I'm learning to play horn. I'm borrowing some beginning books, and taking some lessons from Trey's brother, Tyler. Hopefully I can play horn in symphony band starting this fall.

I'm also going to try to find a job. No more landscaping though. I believe I've had enough of that. I'll see if I can get a job at Gamestop, but I'm pretty doubtful about it. If it doesn't work out, I'll find something.

Finally, I'm going to try to get starting on some arranging, or even some original composing. I think I'm far enough along that I can at least get some ideas on paper. Whether I produce anything "good" or not, it'll still be progress. Something is better than nothing.

Here I come, Summer.

And don't wait up, Fall. I'll be there soon.

-Chris

P-A-R-T-Why? Good question.

The idea of college seems to differ to some people. I've heard that it's the best time of your life, and I've heard that it's the worst time of your life. Does it mean that there are different experiences, or different outlooks? Well . . . I think it's both.

I certainly know my fair share of people that party it up. Some of them drink. Some of them don't. Either way, they really seem to enjoy themselves. However, me being the anti-social person that I am, I try to stay away from parties. I hate it when people say, "Oh, not everyone is going to be drinking. You should come anyway!" It doesn't matter if not everyone is drinking. If there's alcohol, I don't want to be around.

Am I missing something? Because I feel like I can have a much better time with a few close friends without any alcohol whatsoever. However, it's not that simple anymore. I'm 20, but a lot of people my age are turning 21. I seem to be the only one who isn't planning on drinking. I'm not sure what I'm going do. Should I be more open-minded? I don't have a problem with people drinking; I just don't feel comfortable in that sort of environment. I guess we'll see how things go.

-Chris

It's Back

Tonight, I got back something I had lost without even knowing it.

I remember in high school, I would finish a song and have a strange feeling. It was a combination of emptiness and satisfaction. It was the feeling I got whenever I poured emotion into the horn. It used to be something I felt so often, but I had somehow become separated from it.

Tonight, we had a concert for Wind Symphony and Symphony Band. When we were getting ready to play "Song for Lyndsey," something changed. Whatever it was, I put more emotion into my playing than I have in a long, long time. The feeling was amazing, and contagious. I kept hearing people say that "Song for Lyndsey" was more powerful than they had ever played it before. I missed this feeling. I hope I don't ever lose it again.

-Chris

Hop on the bandwagon.

Why not?

Let's make a list.

Here is a list of things I want to accomplish in my life; from short term to long term. I've decided to do this because I haven't always been the best at setting goals for myself. I'm hoping this will help me look towards the right places in the years to come.

1. Compose a song.

At this point, I have several songs in my head, but I don't know enough about music to put them on paper. It's quite frustrating.

2. Conduct/work with a band.

I've always envied and respected people who are willing to get up in front complete strangers, and try to communicate ideas that most people can't even express in words.

3. Have my own house.

When I dream about my life in five or ten years, I always see myself in a place of my own.

4. Bring someone to Christ.

5. Have a song published.

6. Get married.

7. Have kids.

8. Finish this list...

Happiness

My recent bouts with depression has made really think about happiness. What is it about happiness that makes it seem so unattainable. Out of curiosity, I looked up several definitions of happiness. More than any other word, I saw pleasure.

I propose that happiness about something more than pleasure. If happiness is based so much on pleasure, no wonder so many people have trouble finding happiness. I think happiness is about being content. However, that doesn't mean that you're only happy if you have the biggest houses, the fastest cars, and the largest paycheck. I think happiness is about being content with what you have.

God told us that He'd give us everything we need. Maybe we need to realign what we want with what we need.

-Chris